Fuck the Fourth

No offense, but this weekend was pretty fucking insane.  Did I get wasted?  Yes.  Did I have a good time?  Debatable.

Friday started with the obligatory barbecue, with beer, burgers, and brats.  I’m not really sure where this became canon, much like the forced date of New Years or Valentine’s, or how you have to be a raging douche on St. Patrick’s Day.  Not that this particular law really bothers me, as everyone enjoys a good barbecue, especially when you start the night with free food and eight or nine beers on the house.  After a lot of cell phone tag and random invites, I headed up towards Mt. Pleasant to reconvene with some people before the fireworks.  This is where the first shitshow happened.  As my cabbie made his way up 15th street, we started to slow around Meridian Hill Park because of traffic.  Since the weather was perfect on Friday (for most of the day), we had the windows down in our cab, and as we drove by a small group of teenagers, the cab almost came to a complete stop.  Being the geniuses that they are, these shit balls actually lit a string of firecrackers and threw it into the front window of a car that was now picking up speed.  I watched in utter disbelief as an explosive literally went off in my driver’s lap.  He pulled over and stopped the car, and I half-expected him to chase the little fuckers down and beat them senseless.  To my surprise, he simply stepped out, wiped the explosion off of his pants, and asked if I was okay.  I responded in the affirmative, so he got back in the car and started driving.  He said that if we lived in a third world country, the kids would have a bullet in each respective head.  I thought it was a tad harsh, but then I realized that I hadn’t had a fire on my dick a few minutes before, so I figured I’d let it slide.  The best part was that he forgot to turn on the meter, so when I got to my friend’s house, I just gave him twice what it should have been.  The shock lasted through a decent part of the night.  The debauchery that followed through the rest of the night was pretty much par for the course, but mind numbing nevertheless.

The other truly horrific thing that happened occurred within a day or so of the Firecracker Incident.  After drinking inhuman amounts of hard liquor the night before, I detoxed with my best friend.  We walked around the city, each bought a book in Georgetown, got some food, and avoided the plebeians surrounding us.  We had to separate for the night so she could head home, but we pretty much both decided to stay in that night and watch bad movies.  As I made my through a truly awesomely bad film, one of my brothers texted me.  Turns out an inordinately large amount of brothers were in town at the same apartment and all they needed was me.  Flash forward to four thirty in the morning, with Detroit and myself wandering around Foggy Bottom trying to find that pesky CVS for munchies.  We headed down the wrong way, realized our mistake, and turned around towards our ultimate destination.  As we walked past the Department of State, we couldn’t remember if it was DOD or DOS, so I literally stepped two feet off the sidewalk (at the entrance, mind you) to read the door.  Turned out it was the State building, and within seconds we were on our way.  Little did we know, George W. Bush hates frat boys. A pathetic excuse for a security guard sauntered on over to us as we walked up 23rd and asked us what our business was with the building.  We explained that we had been momentarily lost and simply wanted to read the door.  He told us that was highly illegal and we shouldn’t have fucked around with the State Department.  After I vehemently denied any wrongdoing of any kind, and told him there was no way we could get in trouble for reading a sign, he threatened me.  He actually said, and I quote, “Then you don’t have a problem with being put on the terrorist watchlist?”   Here’s the thing, children - I’m not a fucking moron.  You can’t blackball a person as a terrorist for reading a sign.  If I had been checking for cameras or dropped something suspicious or even lingered for longer than literally two seconds, it could’ve been a problem.  It clearly wasn’t.  At this point, we apologized until the piece of shit let us go, then I talked shit for the rest of the night, cursing him as we walked away.  He tried to follow us some more, but I told him to fuck off since we were on public property and not land owned by the federal government.  A few more beers and horrible junk food followed, and I was fine.

So what it comes down to is this - was the Fourth of July horrible?  No.  Will I miss DC after bullshit experiences like a Rent-A-Cop’s threats or the repercussions of idle Black Urban Youth?  Of course not.  Here’s to hoping the next few weeks before I move won’t be nearly as eventful.

“So then I went into a strip club with a lesbian…”

Not that I’ve never been to a strip club. Nor have I rarely experienced hanging out with a lesbian. But I have to admit, merging the two events is highly recommended.  As Ferris Bueller would say, “It is so choice. “  Seeing as DC is chock full of lesbians and a pretty lengthy list of strip clubs, I would hope that all of you could go out and enjoy yourselves as much as I did.

Let me back up and explain the circumstances a little more. One of my closest friends in DC is a lesbian, and her week-long birthday celebration has just been winding down. We had a boisterous dinner at Ella’s, home of the best sangria I’ve had in town, and I polished off about two carafes by myself. From there we headed up to northern Dupont and started partying at a lesbian bar. Much as the oxymoronic phrase indicates, it became more difficult than most of us predicted, as the crowd was eclectic to say the least. After throwing back a few shots and taking some laps around the bar, my lovable lesbian and I got a little bored. Then came her stroke of genius - “You wanna go see some strippers?” How could I say no? We told the rest of the party we’d be right back and walked downstairs to Royal Palace, the place where strippers go to die.

We meandered on to the down stairs club, got our ID’s checked, and ordered two Miller Lite’s for our table (at $7.50 a piece, we weren’t about to ask about any other drinks). Then came the judging. There were a lot of creepy old men staring into nether regions, and the lucite platforms inspired an entire conversation. Since we’re nerds and went to nerdy schools and live in DC being nerds, we had a philosophical discussion on empowerment versus sexism. Did the women stripping feel like they owned the sexual objectification of their bodies in a post women’s lib world? Or was I right when I postured that there was no empowerment in owning objectification, that using their bodies for money simply breeds misogyny in the work place? Eventually we settled down and just soaked in the sleaze of our absolutely disgusting surroundings. There were much better times to philosophize on the lives of strippers. In that moment, on the birthday of my favorite lesbian, we just needed to enjoy the shady nudity.

Why I Got Fired

As all six of you who read this know, I have been a server and host at a restaurant in DC for the past year or so. I’ve worked there full time since last August and, after quitting my other full time job, only there since around Thanksgiving. For almost a year, I’ve dedicated around 50 hours a week to setting the place up, closing it down, providing quality service to our patrons, and training about half the current staff who works there and even a few who don’t. I predate current management there by five or six months. That said, I was fired today as a result of a particularly heinous incident last Friday night.

The manager on duty was Dickensian in his malice and downright petty in his machinations. He rode people he despised like dogs, usually the young and hard-working servers, and heaped praise upon his chosen favorites, who were slackers and ass-kissers for the most part. Not to make this a racial issue, but he tended to favor other African-American staff and belittle the Caucasians. The Hispanic staff he treated like nothing more than dirt. He was known for covering his own ass, throwing staff under the bus whenever it suited him, and doing anything in his power to make himself look good, be it giving away free drink and dessert or humiliating staff in public.

This monster was working last Friday night and was riding people like there was no tomorrow. For the most part, he was leaving me alone because I was one of the most qualified staff and he knew I don’t normally take well to pricks using me as an example. He laid off me for the entire night, only using his power to make me close the restaurant when he knew I had a double the next day in order to piss me off. I barely thought anything of it and went about the routine of taking care of my tables. Our kitchen closes at midnight, and at twelve, I had two tables to speak of. They were both friendly, well-behaved, and quite courteous. As 12.01 rolls around, I see him seat one of my tables. Desperate not to show my anger, I greeted the guests with a friendly smile and reminded them that the kitchen would be closing soon so they should be getting their orders in quickly.

As I checked on my other tables, my boss approached me and berated me in front of other staff and my two other tables, demanding to know why I hadn’t sent the late table’s food back yet. He then walked over to the table - a quiet, shy, non-threatening Hispanic couple - and literally screamed at them to hurry up and make their order. He said to them, “You have to decide what to eat immediately,” and quickly sat down with a table of white, homosexual patrons. If this table had been the table with which he had been sitting (which was not only unprofessional but completely against company policy), he never would have raised his voice. If this table had been white, and especially if they had been good-looking and gay, he would have bought them drinks, dessert, or even discounted their meal. Alas, they were not. And they were humiliated.

I walked over to the table, apologized for his behavior, and took their order. As I walked their menus up to the front, a single man walked into the restaurant. I told him that I was to sorry to say that our kitchen was closed since it was well past twelve, but that the bar down the street was still serving food. He thanked me and went on his way. At this point, my manager came up to me and, again, in front of several other staff, belittled me for turning away the customer. He informed me that we had not closed yet and that, in the future, I should ask him before telling someone we couldn’t serve them. This was where I lost it.

I demanded to know why this was the case when my quiet couple that he had sat late was taken to task for not ordering quickly enough. I wanted to know how he got off screaming at me and my customers because our schedules didn’t meet his exact whim, and why after he had just finished yelling at a two top, he thought I would willingly seat another table. He responded that it didn’t matter what anyone thought, he was the boss and he was just doing his job. He literally said, “I can do whatever I want.” As the entire restaurant and staff watched, I laid into him and openly mocked him for his ridiculous double standards, unnecessarily childish behavior regarding the previous table, and offered him to seat another table in my section that had just walked in.

I was suspended later that night and informed today that I no longer work there. The entire staff agreed with me. And by the way, the table that he sat late were in tears and asked me if there was any way I could pack up their dinner to go.

Score One For Women

This week’s episode, while not exactly being the most exciting finale (season three probably has them beat there), was still a blast to watch.  I’m sure the end results certainly didn’t hurt with how I viewed the episode, but overall, this season showed some real skill in the kitchen, and while it was obvious from the beginning who the most talented were, the challenges were still inventive and impressed me throughout.  Wednesday night started out with Steph discussing how much she wanted a female winner for the season, and was definitely pushing into overkill territory.  The Bravo editors aren’t as seasoned as, say, people who work on Survivor, and they aren’t as nuanced in their story arcs or personality development.   However, most reality editors know that there are some times where you can bring up an idea so much that it bridges the line between inevitability and simply setting everyone up for a fall.  This is what I like to call overkill - Steph had discussed a female winner for so long that everyone either thought she was going to win or worried she wouldn’t since the editors had made it so ridiculously obvious the entire season.  Note to Bravo editors - learn the art of subtlety.

Blais goes on to discuss how Lisa has a horribly negative attitude and can’t lead anyone for shit.  I’m glad someone is tactless enough to talk shit about Lisa, because I feel like Steph and Antonia were just too nice to call her out on her bullshit immaturity and whining.  In other news, this was the episode where I realized I had been spelling “Blais” wrong for the past three months.  Lisa talks about how she’s fully aware that Steph and Blais dominated the challenges this season and she had only won one Elimination Challenge.  And yet, and this is admirable, she still was certain she had a legitimate shot at winning the thing.

The Top Three walk up to the final challenge where Padma and Colicchio wait for them.  Three excessively prominent chefs stand to the side of the host and head judge - April Bloomfield of Spotted Pig, Dan Barber of Blue Hill, and Eric Ripert of Le Bernadin.  The final challenge is simple - create a four course meal of your choosing and follow the classic progression - fish, poultry, red meat, and dessert. The fact that they emphasize that dessert is required and Steph freaks out about it is my first clue that she won’t be sliding through this final test easily.  Each sous chef is accompanied by a plethora of proteins, and the chef with the most Elimination Challenges is supposed to pick first.  However, Blais tied Steph last week and they stand at four victories apiece, so the knife block is brought out with two knives.  Blais, being the Southern Gentleman that he is, lets Steph go first, and she picks the knife with the number one on it.  She picks Ripert, Blais chooses Dan Barber, and Lisa is stuck with April.  Lisa tries to play it off as if she wanted April and shills out some empty girl power praise, and Spice Girls fans the world over squirm with discomfort.

Dinner will be black tie for 9 diners - I instantly start to work this puzzle.  You obviously have Tom, Padma, Gail, and Ted.  I figured that this season would follow on last season and use the sous chefs from that challenge, so Eric, April, and Dan are fair game.  But the last two were a mystery to me - surely not Antonia and Spike.  And there have been three past winners, whom they already used in a past challenge, so that’s out, too.  Moving along, Lisa wants to use her menu to showcase Asian flavors and her background, especially in Vietnamese and Thai food.  Blais wants to show his journey, from classic techniques to molecular gastronomy.  Steph is basically just trying to show her style and her flavors.  In the three hours that the chefs have to prep, we see Steph try to explain how she wants Ripert to filet her fish, which is hilarious.  Then we see Blais try to make Tabasco ice cream from liquid nitrogen to garnish his oysters, which sounds intriguing but most likely disgusting.  Finally, we have Lisa talk about how much she loves April since they get along so well, and how she doesn’t cook as well when she’s stressed.  Not only is this statement ridiculously obvious, but I feel like it’s a non sequitur in the sense that Lisa always seems like she’s stressed.

The next day begins with the chefs walking into an empty kitchen.  Colicchio enters to let them know that the sous chefs have not and will not be showing up to work today and they have to finish the final four hours of cooking themselves.  Steph doesn’t seem too fazed, and Blais scores points with me with the classic restaurant phrase “No show, no call, no job.”  Steph talks about just staying organized and making it through the rest of the challenge.  Lisa starts to discuss her food some more, and says that her food is very similar to her personality - “big, bold, spicy, sweet, salty, sour.”  The last one I would definitely agree with, but sweet?  Seriously?  Did you forget bitter?  Or maybe rotten?  Putrid might work for you, too, kiddo.

Blais is using the banana scallop for the third time in this competition, and Steph is still freaking out about her dessert.  I feel like she’s either gonna rock the dessert or it will be her major stumbling block.  Colicchio comes in to gauge all three of them, and he says it could come down to Steph’s dessert.  This is when I start getting anxious.  The commercial break screams in like a banshee and the final poll is “Who should be Top Chef?” My obvious choice would be to side with Steph, but I am intrigued to see how America falls into play.  When the commercial break ends, the final two of the nine guests are revealed to us - Alfredo Ayala, chef and owner of Delirio in Puerto Rico, and Tim Zagat, CEO and cofounder of the Zagat survey.  Holy.  Fucking.  Shit.

First course is as follows -
LISA - grilled prawns with chili basil sauce and crab served with homemade potato chips.
STEPH - seared red snapper over truffled clam and asparagus broth with asparagus salad.
BLAIS - scallop with mango and pineapple vinegar.

The initial judging seems a bit muted. though the prawn is deemed to be almost overly spicy and Steph’s dish is praised as delicate by Alfredo.

Second course is as follows -
LISA - tom kha gai soup with dumpling.
STEPH - sealed quail breast over lobster ravioli with mango lobster sauce and quail egg.
BLAIS - guinea hen, chicken egg, foie gras, and spring vegetables.

Everyone at the table is in love with Lisa’s soup and discusses the universal wish for seconds.  However, Steph’s quail is cooked perfectly, although Tom starts to bitch about the leeks on the plate.  When Gail blindly follows, like usual, Tom is utterly baffled by her presence at the table.

Third course is as follows -
LISA - wagyu beef with chayote and cucumber salad, hot sauce, and garlic chips.
STEPH - medallions of lamb with maitake mushrooms, braised pistachios, and blackberry and olive tapénade.
BLAIS - pickled radishes, mirin broth, and pork belly.

Pickled radish has most flavor in Blais’ dish, but the technique is genius.  Disagreements abound at the table on these dishes, as some praise Lisa’s sauce, while Eric reminds them that they had basically just seen it on the prawns.  Gail appreciates the acidity of the salad that Lisa used.  For Steph’s dish, she has successfully recreated the pistachio and the olives surprisingly work quite well in the mixture of flavors.  The entire table loves Steph’s dish.  Colicchio says, “Richard’s dish just needs work, Lisa’s dish is just pedestrian, Steph’s dish is full of surprises and it works.”

Fourth course is as follows -
LISA - black Thai rice pudding with lime and mango créme, taro, and coconut.
STEPH - ricotta poundcake with tropical fruit and banana créme.
BLAIS - banana scallop with bacon ice cream.

Lisa has chip issues, but overall they like the dish.  Dan likes the dish that Blais made and the table agrees that they like the flavors.  Steph has an okay dish, but the flavors are unrefined.  The table doesn’t think it’s horrible, but it’s certainly not good.

Once everyone arrives at the Judges’ Table, the discussion of the real nit and grit starts.  The scallop from Blais was too bland, and some people think the sauce from Lisa’s prawn was too spicy.  Everyone loved Steph’s appetizer, and Gail noted that the fish was cooked perfectly.  On the second dish, Blais said maybe he would take out the foie gras.  Gail basically mentioned that the dish was overwhelming, and the integrity of each portion was lost since the flavors were so mixed up.  Lisa created a phenomenal soup, and had everyone at the table coming back for more.  Steph had a good course, but Tom bitches some more about the leeks, their irrelevance, and how he thinks they weren’t even cooked.  Steph’s look of bemusement is heart breaking.

The third course has some real meat to the criticisms, with no pun intended.  The judges want to know why Blais didn’t try to sear the meat to possibly create a crispy skin, and Blais responds that he thought it would compromise the integrity of the meat.  Look, I totally respect Blais and what he’s trying to do here, but it’s not like he’s fucking campaigning a pork belly for President.  If the judges think it would make the dish better, it’s worth considering.  Lisa’s beef was barely seared, but Tom still criticizes her use of the Kobe, saying that she executed her cooking poorly.  The dish overall was unbalanced, and the sauce she made threw them off, with some calling it too sweet.  Steph’s lamb was cooked perfectly, and her braised pistachios AND blackberry/olive tapénade blew their minds.  She was literally full of surprises with this dish.  The fourth dish was her downfall, though.  Tom didn’t like it too much, and the banana créme was unidentifiable; overall, the dish was a miss.  Lisa, surprisingly, did quite well with her dish.  Despite the table’s overall tepid reaction at first, the judges seemed to like her dessert more in hindsight.  Padma went so far as to call it delicious.  She also called out Blais on his bullshit of using the same dessert dish three times in the competition, even though she only caught this as his second.  His response?  A flustered “it was a different variation” excuse.  Hey Blais, they’re not morons.  Try not to act like a tool when they call your bullshit.

Steph finishes up by apologizing for her mistake of a dessert, Lisa still talks about how awesome she is, and Blais admits that he choked and seemingly removes himself from consideration.  The judges agonize for what is clearly hours, because they don’t actually come with an answer until the morning birds are chirping.  They go through some bullshit course by course decision, but it basically only shows that Blais isn’t really a contender.  At this point, I’m completely terrified that Lisa could actually win this season and end my life  as I know it.  I write down that Steph won the poll of Who Should Be Next Top Chef with 60 percent of the vote and my notes stop there

The reason?  Steph won and I was literally jumping up and down in my living room, screaming at the top of my lungs.  I was so ecstatic for her, so legitimately happy for her, that I didn’t even care about taking notes.  I remember Lisa being upset, and Blais crying about losing, but both doing so gracefully and admirably.  I remember Dale talking to Blais, champagne being passed out, Steph doing an adorably awkward jig.  But not much else.  And I don’t really need to remember that much else, because my favorite and my episode one pick won the entire show.  I picked the winner the first two seasons, and in the third, my pick won second place.  But it never felt as good as this.

Here’s to one hell of a reunion and a great fifth season…

Fucking Bronze Medal

I thought I was mad when they sent Dale home.  I thought that would be the most unjust elimination this season, as I was certain there would be no way Spike or Lisa, the no talent ass clowns that they are, could make it to the finals.  And I was halfway right, with the Ultimate Douche Spike getting cut in the final five.  Then last week’s episode crushed my dreams, as Top Chef is known to do.  They sent home Antonia, easily in the top three of talents from this season.  My heartbreak would continue through the week, but watching this phenomenally talented woman get set home certainly set the tone.

The episode opened with the Golden Three arriving to the aeropuerto in Puerto Rico and looking genuinely excited to see each other.  Lisa shows up last with her new Flock of Angry Seagulls haircut and basically ruins everything, especially when she initiates the most awkward group hug in the history of humanity.  Blaise makes it quite clear that Lisa is the least talented of the finalists and doesn’t really even deserve to be there.  The top four make their way to the Quickfire Challenge and meet their guest judge for this round - Wilo Benet from Pikayo restaurant, who apparently embodies Puerto Rican cuisine.

Wilo teaching us about true flavors - since most chefs are known for utilizing fake ones.

Padma explains that the Quickfire Challenge is to create two frituras - a fried snack known mostly in Puerto Rico but also ubiquitously throughout Latin America.  Both of the two frituras have to feature plantains as an ingredient.  I don’t know if any of you have had plantains, but they’re basically the bastard cousin of the banana.  The banana may be the sweet, social, fun-loving one, but plantains encapsulate the bitter, bland, and boring relative that you all know.  It actually is a challenge to utilize plantains in anything that resembles good flavors.  Steph creates tostones with seared tuna and pork and a shrimp fritter with a brown butter, lime, and basil sauce.  Antonia has crispy oysters with cilantro plantain jam and a fried yellow plantain with a spicy slaw.  Lisa offered tostones with pan roasted duck and mango papaya salsa and the sweet plantain, red onion, and chorizo fritura with chutney slaw.  Finally, Blaise presented pork meatballs with plantain sauce and green plantain chips with ripe plantain salsa.

The bottom two were Antonia for her mediocre decoration and her slimy jam.  Blaise also faltered because of his dry meatball (that sounds gross in so many ways) and his raw plantains tasting too….raw.  Steph, on the other hand, did a great job with two balanced dishes and great portion sizes.  Lisa had well executed tostones and Wilo enjoyed her food, as well.  Ultimately, Steph wins the challenge - her first Quickfire win!  Her advantage will be revealed at the Elimination Challenge, but for now, they Final Four are guests at a party that Wilo has thrown in their honor.  They basically mill around and bitch about how nervous they are and how eager they are to get into the kitchen.

The Elimination Challenge is introduced by Tom and Padma at the Governor’s Mansion in San Juan.  They will be preparing food for a garden party hosted by the Governor with 100 VIP’s and chefs of Puero Rico.  At this point, Colicchio reveals an entire pig; each chef has to create at least two dishes from a pig they will be given.  As always, they’ll also be getting some help - Dale, Nikki, Spike, and Andrew walk in.  Lisa interviews about how much she hates Dale and then adds that Andrew hates her after she threw him under the bus.  Basically, she realizes that everyone hates her because she’s such a miserable person.

At this point, Steph’s advantage is finally delivered.  Steph will be able to assign the sous chef’s for all of the contestants.  If someone like Spike had won this, he would have attempted to purposefully undermine and sabotage the other contestants by pairing them with clashing personalities.  Steph shows her true character and level of awesome by putting people together that she’s fairly confident will work well as a team. She chooses Dale for herself, gives Nikki to Antonia, Spike to Blaise, and Andrew and Lisa.  Dun dun DUN.

The chefs have to butcher their pigs while the sous chef’s run to the market to purchase produce and other ingredients.  Lisa discusses how she wants to only use authentic Puerto Rican flavors instead of the Asian cuisine that she’s actually comfortable with.  Blaise points out that the challenges aren’t there for you to change your style.  “Don’t play their game, play your game,” he urges, adding that using your strengths in each challenge is the way to play the game.  Don’t create a new game at the last minute because you won’t last long.

Some hilarity ensues as Andrew attempts to speak Spanish and fails miserably.  Later Blaise points out that Lisa is Chief Thunder Cloud and brings misery every where she goes.  This is possibly the most obvious statement anyone has ever made on this show.  The chefs have two hours to prepare after the sous chef’s get back, and five hours the next day before the final party.  As they begin to leave at the end of the first day, the camera focuses on some pork that Dale and Steph left out.  My heart immediately begins to suffer from palpitations at the thought of Steph going home this round.  Luckily, being the prodigy that she is, Steph and Dale come up with a back up plan to replace the pork bellies that were clearly not safe to use.  Here are each chef’s final dishes:

STEPH
Pork satay on sugar cane skewer with miso almond sauce.
Coconut braised pork with black plantain pancake.
Tropical fruit and prosciutto salad with chicharrones (crispy pork skins).

BLAISE
Fresh ham with local beans (um, throwaway dish, anyone?)
Pressure cooked pork belly with pickled watermelon.
Pork ribs with Malta and soy glaze.
BBQ pork shoulder with braised greens and mango.

LISA
Citrus braised pork belly with potato and plantain mash.
Adobo roasted pork, black bean, and onion tostone.
Pork filled yuca rellena with pineapple mojo.

ANTONIA
Honey pork belly with pickled sweet pepper salad.
Curried pork with pumpkin and yuca.
Pigeon peas with pork sausage.

The poll this week asks who should pack their knives and go.  Skipping ahead in time, my answer meshes well with the rest of the nation, as 91% of us agree that Lisa should take her nasty hair and shitty attitude and get the fuck off the show already.  When we come back from commercial, it’s quite clear that Steph and Blaise did well while Lisa and Antonia had issues.  Blaise did a great job with simplifying his dishes whereas Steph utilized great flavors in hers.  Blaise is declared the winner, and as a prize, he is gifted with a 2009 Toyota Corrola, which is pure insanity.  I’m actually really happy for him, as long as he gets a car seat for his matching brand new baby girl.

Lisa is quintessential Lisa in front of the Judges’ Table, and gets excessively defensive about her dishes.  Tom calls her out on going Puerto Rican instead of using Asian flavors, but she claims that her dishes were strong and there’s no reason that she should be in the bottom again.  Gail notes that her plantain and potato mash was overwhelmingly sweet and that Lisa focused mostly on garnishes and sauces and not the pork itself.  Wilo adds that the tostone was unbalanced.  On the other hand, Antonia had peas that were undercooked and they said that all three dishes were on one plate, so it was difficult to distinguish the dishes from each other.  In addition, her dishes were apparently the least sophisticated of the four finalists.

Then comes the shock that I wasn’t expecting.  I thought Lisa was much worse off than she apparently was, as Antonia is asked to pack her knives and go.  I literally scream out in anger against my TV.  Antonia had undercooked peas and made an admittedly stupid mistake in plating her dishes together, but Lisa’s food was unbalanced, unfocused, and overseasoned.  There were problems with every single one of her dishes.  And yet the beautiful Antonia is sent home.  Then, as the top two Golden Chefs meekly congratulate Lisa, she has the audacity to whine and complain about how no one bothered to pay attention to her.  At this point, I can safely say that I hate her and love Blaise as a result of his response.  “What did she expect?  I don’t understand, you won the fucking bronze medal.  Congratulations.  There you go.”

Absolutely gorgeous, Blaise.  I love it.

Next Wednesday, we finally have a winner.  And I sure as hell hope it’s Steph.

“But Brutus says [she] was ambitious/And Brutus is an honourable man.”

My response to RJ Eskow’s obnoxious, gloating, and grating Letter to a Clinton Supporter:

“I understand why you supported her. But why would you allow yourself to be played as a pawn for a Washington power couple’s personal ambitions?”

It’s this kind of doublethink that pissed a lot of Clinton supporters off. Ambition? He was already a President. They are millionaires. Clinton said he never thought he’d be in politics again until his wife decided to run. Are you honestly convinced that they did all this, went into debt, traveled the country, forsaking their home lives for over a year just for personal ambition? And when did you become a psychologist anyway?

To Clinton supporters, ambition is running for President without having been in a national office for a single full term.

I don’t expect anyone running for President lacks ambition. But to say that the Clintons are ambitious and we’re delusional to support them since all they care about is themselves betrays a disconnect in your reasoning. Bill and Hillary Clinton have done more good for the world with their little fingers than you will ever do in your lifetime and that Obama can only hope to match in his. We know them, much better than Obama’s mouth foaming true believers, many of whom were children in the 90s. We also know they can win.

Say they’re ambitious, fine, but what does that make Obama? We know he’s no saint, and we’re tired of him being cast as one.

Good Finally Triumphed Over Evil

As dawn breaks on Casa de Chef this week, we are privy to hear that Steph again is excited that there are so many women left in the competition at this point. There have never been three women in the Final Four, and she would love to see it happen this year. Antonia is a little less hopeful, simply saying she wants to get it over with so they can get rid of one more person and have the Final Four decided already. As the chefs head out on a field trip, Blaise discusses how he recognizes Allen Brothers meat as a nationally recognized butchery company that’s well-known for its quality meat. They’re greeted by a staff member of the company, and told they have to change into the proper safety uniform since they’ll be cutting meat today. Without mentioning the word Quickfire, this woman tells the chefs that they’ll have 20 minutes to cut dry aged, long bone ribeye. Antonia mentions that this is enough time for an extremely skilled butcher to cut properly, but none of them are skilled butchers. Spike then brings up the fact that both of his grandfathers were butchers, so he must have a strain of butchery in him. I wrote down that two words have never described a man better. It felt funnier at the time, I swear.

In a shock to end shocks, Spike does a phenomenal job with the task, realizing quickly that the best strategy is to cut the dry age off of the meat before cutting the individual chops. He easily beats the rest of them at this part of the challenge. Once they get back to the Top Chef kitchen, Padma introduces them to the guest judge for this round - Rick Tramonto of Tru (another Tru owner!) and Tramonto’s Steak and Seafood. He is one of the most well-known and well-loved chefs of Chicago’s culinary scene. The chefs are given 20 minutes to cook the perfect steak, and Rick mentions that he prefers his steaks cooked to medium rare. Blaise starts bitching about how this challenge blows, and he’s basically right. This isn’t really testing anything but how well you can butcher a steak and cook to medium rare. The latter is a fundamental and essential tenet of a good chef’s skill set; the former, however, is not. I sincerely doubt that most great chefs are spectacular butchers, especially because they don’t need to be - the meat comes to them already cut.

The chefs finish their steaks and Rick goes around to inspect the results. Without even tasting the steaks, he begins to judge their skills with a knife and a stove. Rick and Rich simply don’t like each other, and the bad news noise comes down on Steph, too. Lisa seems like she did a mediocre job, Spike is arrogant as always, and it’s apparent Antonia did a great job. Finally, Padma makes him pick the bad and the good. Steph did the worst job, since she cut hers poorly and undercooked the final tomahawk. Blaise also placed in the bottom since his cutting was inconsistent and also undercooked his steak. Antonia cooked her steak “perfectly,” Lisa did a great job, and Spike did an incredible job with his butchery and grilled his steak well. Spike ultimately wins the challenge, and by doing so, garners himself an advantage in the upcoming challenge. Since he fucked up his advantage last time, I’m not too worried about his chances. Smart thinking on my part…

The Elimination Challenge is now presented by Padma and Rick - the five chefs will create their own menu and cook for Tramonto’s Steak and Seafood. Each will be responsible for an appetizer and an entrée. They can only use what they can find in the kitchen and pantry of Rick’s restaurant that night. Since Spike was the winner of the challenge, he’s allowed to choose his proteins for his app and his entrée first. He then starts to philosophize on how he wants the Final Four to turn into a Battle of the Sexes, with two women pitted against two men. He fully admits that Steph is the best of the women chefs, but he wants Antonia to go home. This is total bullshit, since Antonia has performed far, far better in challenges than Lisa and doesn’t have a black hole of a personality. In twelve Quickfires and twelve Elimination Challenges, Lisa won one challenge. She won an Elimination Challenge for making bacon. Despite Jordan Baker’s obsession with bacon, I think it’s fair to note that Lisa is not a force to be reckoned with in the kitchen.

So once the chefs arrive at Tramonto’s, Spike decides to use tomahawks for his entrée and scallops for his appetizer. All of the chefs immediately notice that the scallops that he chose are frozen, and this will have dire consequences for his chances. However, it will bring me absolute glee for the next thirty minutes, and perhaps for the rest of my life. Steph and Blaise are both working with sweetbreads, which are basically the thymus gland of veal, pork, beef, or lamb. They sound disgusting but actually taste phenomenal when prepared properly. Lisa goes on a whining marathon, and I desperately want her gone, as does the rest of the chefs. Antonia has another classic line after Lisa won’t shut the fuck up about the fire from the oven getting too hot. Antonia adjusts the door so Lisa won’t be as hot, and says, “Just make sure [my food doesn't] die.” When Lisa, in the typical self-absorption we’ve become used to, asks, “But what if I die?” Antonia doesn’t miss a beat when she taunts, “Then I guess you won’t be going to Puerto Rico!” Set and match.

Meanwhile, Spike is trying to act like the frozen scallops don’t bother him, but he’s clearly screwed for the entire challenge. At this point, I start to wonder why he doesn’t just change his fucking appetizer, but I think he’s a tad stubborn in that respect, so he just sticks to the shitty seafood. Smooth move, Ex-lax. Colicchio is going to expo the food tonight, so he’ll be making sure everything is ready for the tables and sending out the dishes. When he calls Blaise out on his straight-forward food, Blaise takes offense. The editors are working overtime in this episode with Blaise mentioning several times that he simply can’t stomach failure at this point and he refuses to lose before he hits the Final Four. I started to freak out about him going home in this episode, but I think the story arc being constructed is either him coming from behind to win the finale, or ultimately ending up second to Steph, both ideas that suit me quite well.

The judges are sat and the chefs begin to prepare tasting portions of their appetizers. For this challenge, the judges are Padma, Gail, Tramonto, and the winners from the first three seasons - Harold, Ilan, and Hung. That’s a whole lot of douche at one table. If Spike sat down with them, the world might cease to exist. Since Colicchio is expediting, I’m wondering how he’ll be able to judge for the challenge. My question is answered at the end of the challenge when he makes a throwaway comment to the chefs to make him a tasting portion of all of their dishes. The appetizers from all of the chefs are as follows -

Lisa presents grilled and chilled prawns with lemon zest and tomato salad over crostini. The judges like the lemon and the subtlety of the chilled flavors, but Gail says that it would have been far better if she had served the prawns warm. I secretly judge her for calling the prawns shrimp.
Blaise makes himachi with crispy sweetbreads, radish, avocado, and yuzu. The entire table literally swoons over this dish, and Tramonto mentions that he would add the dish to his menu in a heartbeat.
Spike uses his fucking frozen scallops to make a seared scallops dish with hearts of palm and oyster mushrooms. The judges, especially the former winners, dismiss it as bland and uninteresting, with Ilan adding that the scallops taste dehydrated.
Steph creates sweetbreads with golden raisins, pine nuts, fennel, and bacon. Everyone loves the flavor and texture diversity and Gail notes that it has everything that Spike’s dish didn’t have.
Antonia finishes up with a mushroom and artichoke salad with poached egg and bacon vinaigrette. The overall impression is that the dish is mediocre at best.

The entrées are presented next -

Blaise has a beef filet with potato puree, turnips, red wine, and pickled brussels sprouts. Ilan hates it for some reason, but everyone else seems to enjoy it enough.
Lisa turns out a New York strip steak with apple caramel sauce and peanut butter mashed potatoes. Tramonto wants to hate the potatoes, but he enjoys the nuttiness and the texture. Ilan says the beef is underseasoned and Gail points out that the dish is unbalanced overall.
Spike has a tomahawk chop with sweet potato puree, brussels sprouts, and cipollinis. No one likes it, and they consider it to be mediocre and amateurish.
Steph has a beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and apple sauce. The entire table loves the dish.
Antonia has a bone-in ribeye with fennel and cipollinis, and a shallot and potato gratin. Ilan says that it’s pretty rich and heavy, but Tramonto says it’s his favorite dish so far.

Instead of splitting the five up for the Judges Table, Padma wants to see all of them. They love Blaise’s food, but they mention that his entrée was inconsistent in terms of meat temperature for the table. They adore Steph’s food and practically fawn over her. Gail tells Lisa that she was okay and that her entrée was surprisingly good. The poached egg from Antonia’s salad was cooked perfectly, her steak was great, and her gratin also got a perfect rating from Tramonto. Spike did an alright job, but there are no real compliments. They all hated the scallops, and Tom told him he shouldn’t have used them. Spike takes a shot at Rick for even having them in his kitchen to begin with, but Rick counters with a huge fuck you by saying it’s still Spike’s fault for using them. Should Rick have had shitty seafood in his kitchen? Of course not. But was Spike forced to use them? No, it was the total opposite - he had his pick of anything he wanted. Being the total piece of shit that he is, after attacking Tramonto, he shakes his head and says, “It was an honor” on his way out.

Steph is designated as the best overall menu during deliberation, and Blaise’s appetizer is bestowed the appellation of Best Overall Dish. Antonia had the best steak dish, and everyone loved her gratin. On the other hand, Spike’s courses had issues and he simply didn’t deliver in the most important challenge yet. Lisa has an apathy to her cooking, and Padma tries to sound intelligent by mentioning that she focuses more on flavor and less on technique. Tom declares that good technique is how you make flavor. At this point, I’m calling Steph as the winner and Spike getting sent home. Not only is it what I want, I just see the story arc headed that way. Before we hear the decision, the viewer’s poll asks, “Who was chopped too soon?” Dale wins with 53 percent of the vote, with Jenn slash Optimus Lez getting second and Andrew coming in third. I think it’s blatantly obvious that Dale should still be in the competition, but it is what it is.

Steph wins and makes it into the Final Four. She gets a copy of Tramonto’s newest book and a suite of kitchen appliances - we’re talking stoves, grills, ovens, fridges. Blaise has the best appetizer, so he moves on to the finals, and Antonia has the best steak dish, so she moves on as well. If the final three placings are the same as the order the finalists were advanced in this episode, I would be ecstatic. Steph has four Elimination wins and one Quickfire, whereas Blaise has three each. They seem pretty evenly matched to me. To be honest, as long as Lisa goes out fourth, I couldn’t really care less who wins. I love all three of these kids, and nothing could disappoint me as much as last year, where Casey totally bombed and Dale was robbed by that little shit, Hung.

Tom gets to the bottom two by highlighting the fact that Lisa has been in the bottom five times and Spike was in the bottom seven. BURN! They tell Lisa that the passion is obviously in her but not in her food. She isn’t ferocious with her food, and they hated her shrimp dish (it was prawns, Gail, PRAWNS!). Spike made a huge mistake with using the scallops and he needs to be able to make decisions on the fly and adjust in the kitchen when things go wrong. In addition to that, he has to put everything on his plate for a reason, in order to construct a better dish, not just make things look nice. In the end, Spike goes home. I am literally screaming with joy on my couch at this point, because it’s fairly obvious to anyone who reads this that I fucking hate Spike with every fiber of my being. When the top three find out Spike is going home, they couldn’t really care less since they hate him, too. He interviews that “No one puts me down,” and that’s exactly his problem - he never takes any fucking criticism because he’s so defensive and arrogant.

The final is going to take place in Puerto Rico, and it leads one to believe that someone gets their hand cut off. I sincerely doubt this is actually going to happen, but I’m pretty certain someone’s going to get injured. And the way the story arc and editing have been shaping up and the promo for the finale is framed, I think it’s going to be Blaise.

Writing the New Chapter

Yesterday, at 9 in the morning, I registered for classes.  For the first time in years, I got up early, turned on my computer, downloaded some bullshit program, and signed myself up for courses on the way to achieving a degree.  And it felt amazing.

Ten weeks from yesterday, I move into my building in Nashville and start the two year journey that will be obtaining my Masters in Education.  I’ll be working with college students, with other people in my cohort, and with some professors who are national leaders in their field.  I’ll eat, sleep, breathe, and live collegiate education and every random aspect of it, from Res Life to Student Activities to mental health issues.  My new Bible is already Binge, a book by Barrett Seaman about every possible facet of the modern college experience, from drugs to sex to athletes to the drama of a coeducational living experience.  I read it a few years ago and it’s still one of the best books I’ve ever read.  As an English and History double major, that’s saying a lot.  I will be up to my ears in admissions, Greek Life, affirmative action, and LGBT issues.  In short, I’ll be learning everything I’ll need to shape the next few decades of American higher education.

I can’t wait.

Top Chef’s Bullshit Elimination

Unlike usual episodes that start with footage of the chefs waking up in Casa de Chef, this one shows Tom Colicchio waking them up at the ass crack of dawn - quarter to six, to be precise. Turns out that he’s going to be involved with the Quickfire Challenge this week, and tells them they’ll be on the line at a breakfast hot spot in Chicago. Antonia and Steph both interview that they’ve made it this far, and they want to make it to the Final Four. Steph adds that she wants to ultimately win the competition, but that Final Four is her fundamental goal.

Once the chefs get to Lou Mitchell’s, a classic Chicago breakfast spot, Tom introduces them to Helene. She’s the owner of the restaurant and will be the guest judge for this Quickfire; she seems like a total ball breaker. Staying true to her form, she has a permanent look of disgust and disbelief as she watches all six contenders try their turns at the egg station of her rather busy restaurant. Despite her permafrown throughout the entire competition, she claims that she was thoroughly impressed with everyone’s skills. This is, of course, after Lisa burned through a styrofoam to-go container. Helene had it down to Antonia and Dale, and ended up deciding on Antonia as the winner. At this point, the editors made it seem as if this decision would determine the fate of Dale in the game. Turns out, it actually did. Shortly afterward, Tom told the crowd that he would have to attend a charity event and wouldn’t be involved in the Elimination Challenge. He then gave them an address to meet Padma and they performed their required product placement as they used their GPS phones to track down the place.

A massive place full of hardwood floors and exposed brick walls follows with Padma standing in the middle. As we soon find out, she was just fucking with us when she said there would be no Restaurant Wars this season. Since Antonia won the Quickfire Challenge, she gets to pick her team, and immediately chooses Steph and Blaise. Team Faves takes on Team fucks, or Lisa, Spike, and Dale, in what essentially comes down to a rematch of Wedding Wars minus Nikki and Andrew…for now. Each team will cook for 35 diners a piece and have $1500 for food and $5000 for decor at Pier 1, which is disgusting.

Each team gets to planning and Spike decided to take Front of the House for Team Fucks so he can avoid making any food and coast through until the next round. Steph takes Front for Team Faves and still manages to make several dishes because she’s perfect. Her team decided to call their restaurant Warehouse Kitchen with a “gastro pub” feel; basically, they’re cooking haute cuisine in a laid-back and casual atmosphere. Antonia will be executive chef, Blaise will be chef de cuisine, and Steph will, redundantly, be front of the house. On Team Fucks, which will naturally be reiterating an Asian menu, will have Dale as executive chef, Lisa as chef de cuisine, and Spike as front of the house. Antonia interview at this point that Dale uses Asian for every single dish he creates, which is a valid criticism, much like Nikki used Italian for every single dish she ever used. Yet again, Antonia is saying what I’m typing, and I love her more with every episode.

At this point, Anthony Bourdain walks in. Yes, the complete asshat who takes himself far too seriously and most likely considers himself to be Jesus in a kitchen is Tom’s replacement for the episode.  The man who got rid of CJ last season after calling his broccolini “inedible” since he was forced to cook with an airplane’s oven is back.  He begins to make his rounds through the kitchen as Tom would, and another douchetastic moment emerges from Spike.  In his usual manner of sucking up as much as possible until he can no longer gleam any kind of merit from the person, Spike announces that he has the outmost respect for Bourdain.  Not utmost, mind you, but outmost.  Thanks for proving to the entire world that you’re a fucking moron, Spike.  Duly noted.  Bourdain tells Team Faves that he likes what they’re doing, but reminds Team Fucks that he knows Asian cuisine well, especially laksa, so they better get everything right.  Most.  Obvious.  Foreshadowing.  Ever.

He then tells the chefs that with three hours left to prepare their restaurants and menus, they will have an extra set of hands around to help out.  He brings out Andrew, Nikki, Mark, and Queen Elezabeth for the teams’ selections.  Team Fucks choose Optimus Lez, which she totally didn’t deserve, and Team Faves picked Nikki so that they can have her make their pasta for their first course.

Over on Team Fucks, Dale is in a pissy mood because his avocado mousse had a rotten avocado, so the color has turned an odd brown hue, and it doesn’t help that Lisa is screaming at everyone about her rice getting fucked up.  She then actually says that Dale’s poor attitude is bringing her down and making her negative, which is obviously bullshit.  I’m sorry, but it’s the eleventh episode at this point, and she’s still so oblivious as to think that it’s Dale’s fault that she’s a fucking pill to be around.  Grow up, loser.  On the other side of the spectrum, Antonia interviews that they need to work together to make sure every dish is working well, since they’ll be judged together.  Funny how team work can work so harmoniously on one side and so disastrously on another.

At this point, Team Fucks basically goes to shit and fights for the rest of the episode.  Lisa starts another fight about the mango sticky rice and how it’s not turning out right, but I’m pretty sure that there’s footage earlier in the episode of them grabbing rice pudding since they couldn’t find sticky rice at Whole Foods.  Maybe that’s just my own exhaustion, but I’m pretty sure that would fuck up your entire consistency and flavor.

The guest judge for this round is José Andrés, who is largely to blame for bringing tapas to DC with his restaurant Jaleo.  Thanks for that, you worthless piece of shit.  Team Faves’ menu is as follows -

Team Faves (”Warehouse Kitchen”):

First Course
Dish #1 - beet salad with goat cheese and ras el hanout spices
Dish #2 - linguine & clams with sausage and horseradish crème fraîche

Second Course
Dish #1 - trout with cauliflower puree and caramelized cauliflower
Dish #2 - lamb loin and braised lamb shank

Third Course
Dish #1 - gorgonzola cheesecake with sweet potato puree and Concord grape sauce
Dish #2 - banana scallops with banana guacamole and chocolate ice cream

As if anyone would ever doubt, the judges are blown away with pretty much every dish.  In even more predictability, they hate the menu that Team Fucks prepared, which is as follows.

Team Fucks (”Mai Buddha”):

First Course
Dish #1 - spicy coconut shrimp laksa
Dish #2 - pork and pickled plum potstickers

Second Course
Dish #1 - braised short ribs with pickled red cabbage and apple basil salad
DIsh #2 - butterscotch miso scallops, spicy eggplant, and pickled long beans

Third Course
Dish #1 - halo-halo with cantaloupe, coconut, kiwi, avocado, and candied nuts
Dish #2 - mango sticky rice with toasted coconut

Not only do the judges hate pretty much every single dish, but Bourdain and Ted immediately start to rip apart the decor as soon as they’re sat down, right in front of Spike.  Priceless, mother fuckers, priceless.  Bourdain hates all of it, but especially the mango sticky rice, which he calls “baby vomit with wood chips.”

In the most obvious conclusion ever, Team Faves won, and Steph gets the technical win with an incredible trip of four days and nights to Barcelona.  Team Fucks loses and a gong is smashed with Asian-centric music played as they walk to the Judges Table.  Well played, editors.  Spike lies to the judges about who picked the decor, all three of them throw each other under the bus, and it’s basically down to Lisa and Dale for who would be eliminated.  Here’s where the bullshit comes in.  Despite Lisa constantly being in the bottom of the chefs and getting so close to elimination so many times, the judges choose Dale.  The guy who saved their asses in Wedding Wars and made some decent slash mediocre food this time is sent packing when the girl who is a walking Debbie Downer and didn’t create a single edible dish in the challenge is spared.  I know I go back and forth on whether or not I like Dale as a person, but it’s complete and utter bullshit that she wasn’t sent home in this situation.  You can’t fault a leader for not leading when your team is hell-bent on fucking everything up and then selling you out at the end.  Lisa sucks so much, in fact, that Blaise and Steph are visibly shocked when they found out that he was asked to pack his knives.  Even the good chefs in the season know that he’s better than Spike and Lisa.  I hate for Dale to leave on a challenge like this, but at least he never has to work with those fucktards again.

My redeeming quality of next week?  Looks like everyone fucking hates Lisa and she implodes during the Elimination Challenge.

Fuck the Rules, I Live on the Edge!

My sheer joy and ecstasy at seeing that raging freak Andrew pack his knives and go this week was completely tampered by the fact that now I know Spike will make it to the end. Since Jordan Baker decided to gift me with spoilers and tell me that the girl with curly hair and boy with a beard make it far in the game, she convinced me that it would be Steph and Andrew at the end. Since Andrew went home last night, that means I have to stomach another five or so episodes of that douche Spike. To be honest, “douche” isn’t a strong enough word, and cunt has a misogynistic tone to it. What can I use to easily convey how much I hate every fiber of Spike? Even “fucktard” doesn’t truly get across how much I can’t stand to see him or hear his voice. I guess we’ll have to work on that.

As always, Casa de Chef opens the episode, and this time we have five chefs commenting on life and the game. Guess we’ll know who to expect at the Judges Table. Steph is talking about Nikki going home and the competition getting harder and Blaise basically reiterates the same notion. Spike immediately whines about Dale being a bitch, when, in reality, it is Spike who owns that crown whole-heartedly. Not to steal from Jordan, but there are only so many ways to say “Pot, meet kettle. Guess what color you share?” Dale then interviews about how everyone is bitching about him and he couldn’t care less. Finally, Andrew is his usual attention whore self and discusses the freaking out of all of the chefs. He then gifts us with the wonderful information of the fact that he’ll either stab someone or make some food. Great to know! Glad to know those are your only options, bud.

Quickfire Challenge has Sam from Season 2 as the guest judge. Did they run out of talent? Seriously, the point of this show is creating competition between talenting chefs and spreading haute cuisine to America, especially by introducing different judges from several culinary backgrounds. So you had to mine the depths of your own show to get a judge? Half-assed. I’m calling you out on your bullshit, Top Chef. Make it better next week. And I know a lot of girls get wet when Sam walks on screen, but he’s really not that attractive. His face is busted, and he’s pretty much a douche, he’s just not as obvious about as Spike, Andrew, Marcel, Ilan, et cetera. Moving on from my rampant bitterness, the Quickfire in this episode is to bring the sexy back to salad. Padma, while the chefs spend forty five minutes making a salad, I want you to spend that time desperately searching for more up to date catch phrases and cultural references.

What Sam sees when he looks in the mirror. Right next to what we see, douchey hair and all.

The only thing of note from the challenge is that Lisa whines in an interview about how there are certain people left in the competition who don’t deserve to be there and have personalities that suck. Seriously. What the fuck, you stupid fuck. You are easily one of the least likable contestants in the history of the show, which you’ll prove later in the episode, and you’ve been in the bottom heap several times this season. Get back to your disgusting salad of bananas and lobsters and leave the real commenting to the professionals.

The final dishes that everyone produces as their version of a sexy salad are as follows -

Andrew - A fruit salad of strawberries, raspberries, mangoes and Sriracha. Sounds nauseating.
Spike - Calling it a “Sensual Beef Salad,” Spike douchily mixes skirt steak with cucumbers, radishes, and pineapple.
Lisa - Just because you call it sexy doesn’t mean it’s not disgusting. Grilled squid, bananas, lobster, and a yuzu vinaigrette made me want to vomit from my couch without so much as smelling the dish.
Steph - Fall Duet of artichokes and poached pears with a pear vinaigrette, but couldn’t get her artichoke chips on the plate in time.
Antonia - Poached eggs with wild mushrooms over squash blossoms and a bacon vinaigrette. That actually sounds really good, to be honest.
Blaise - Makes an Outkast shout out with his Fresh and Clean seviche of fruits and vegetables.
Dale - Sticking to his Asian roots as always, Dale goes with a Poached Chicken salad with sake, nori paste, mirin, and a rice wine vinaigrette. Wouldn’t one think that using a rice wine vinaigrette with sake be a tad redundant?

Sam, for some ungodly reason, gets to pick the winners and losers. Being the salad expert that he is, he chooses Blaise, Steph, and Lisa for the bottom three, and Dale, Antonia, and Spike for the top three. Because Jesus hates me, Spike is declared the winner for the first time, and since he doesn’t get immunity, Padma informs him he’ll get an advantage in the Elimination Challenge. He gloats like the douchebucket he is and Sam loses all credibility to the world of haute cuisine.

Padma explains that the Challenge will be to make a box lunch for the cadets at the Chicago Police Academy and that the dishes have to be nutritious for the cops. Every dish has to have a whole grain, a lean protein, a fruit, and a vegetable. Spike’s advantage gives him 10 extra minutes to shop before everyone else. In addition, the four ingredients he chooses from the list will be barred from everyone else’s dishes. Because Spike is Spike and sucks at life, he chooses this as an opportunity not to help himself, but to fuck everyone else over. The other chefs expect this and react accordingly - choosing better ingredients and commenting on how low brow Spike and his ingredients are. Seriously, if you think people can’t make lunch without chicken, lettuce, tomato, or bread, then you’re fucking retarded. Next time you head to Whole Foods, try to buy some imagination or creativity. Or at least a new personality.

The chefs get back to the kitchen and have two hours to cook, pack, and move out to the academy. Turns out that their dish will be microwaved by the fuzz. So there’s that. Cooking ensues, and Antonia calls Dale out on going Asian for 57th time. Yet again, she wins major points; she’s sharp and hilarious, and I feel a crush developing. Lisa complains that her shrimp are high in cholesterol so she might technically be breaking the rules. I don’t think it’s the rules she needs to worry about - her food fucking sucks. At this point, Lisa goes apeshit and screams “FUCKING SABOTAGE!!!” The burner on the stove where her rice was cooking has been turned to high, so some of her rice is burned and some of it is undercooked. Steph notes that it was probably just a simple mistake and Dale agrees that Lisa is most likely just covering her own ass.

Moving to the academy, the editors want to highlight how hardcore the Popo are by showing push ups and playing hardcore music. Antonia cracks another joke about not being intimidated because they’re normal people and she has no outstanding parking tickets, thus solidifying herself in third place of my favorites and giving Blaise some tough competition for the number two spot. The chefs start to take out their boxes, and while Blaise markets his meal, Spike whines about how he thinks Rich is a bitch. Odd how Spike can whine about someone doing something and make it into a defect, but when he does the same thing, it’s genius. He then goes on to only put two plates on his table to make his dish seem more popular than it really was, but doesn’t really go to any effort to hide the dozens he has behind him.

Final dishes for the Thin the Bacon Challenge -

Steph made a mushroom and meatball soup with barley, vegetable puree, and yogurt. The meat is a mystery, but the soup is wildly popular and the judges comment on how well seasoned it is.
Spike makes a chicken salad with grapes and olives, and on the side is a pita and raw vegetables. Ted and Tom bitch about how bland and lacking the dish is, and Sam points out that he “used,” and I utilize that word loosely, the ingredients just to block the other chefs. Padma calls the food “pedestrian,” which I will now be exploiting to insult and harass those I deem unworthy.
Dale makes a lemongrass bison lettuce wrap with brown rice and herb salad. The judges love it and say the texture and flavor are great. They think it could use some heat, and I don’t know if that means it could use another minute in the microwave, or that they would prefer a spicier bison. Either way, I would love this dish, and can’t get over how much I enjoy bison.
Antonia turns filet mignon into a curry beef with jasmine rice and a side of berries and figs with grape syrup. The judges love the beef.
Andrew makes a salmon sushi roll with parsnip slash pine nut “rice” and pickled ginger wasabi. Ted is clearly uncomfortable at Andrew’s table and obviously can’t stand talking to him. I love Ted more as a result of this. Nameless cop says “This is good, just messy.” The judges find it strange.
Blaise created a grilled tuna burrito with lentils and quinoa in a rice paper burrito. Apparently it tastes better than it looks.
Finally, that scaly sea hag Lisa offers up a shrimp stir-fry with brown rice, berries, and Greek yogurt. She’s nervous about the rice, and sure enough, Padma brings her to Front Street with the shitty rice. The judges say it’s spicy, but okay. Per my notes, there is no mention of badly cooked shrimp.

Mmmm…lettuce wraps…

Right before we head to Judges Table, Andrew realizes that he broke the rules by not using a grain. Shock of shocks, guess who ends up in the bottom? Dale and Steph are top two, and Dale wins for his bison lettuce wrap, which I would most likely inhale if given the chance. The bottom three are Dale, Lisa, and Spike, which makes my heart explode with euphoria. My dreams have come true and the three worst contestants are in the bottom. Can’t go wrong with these choices. Andrew’s sushi dish wasn’t hearty enough for a Donut Whore’s lunch. They verbally bitchsmack him over the fact that his food just wasn’t filling. Spike gets slammed for taking the sabotage route with his advantage ingredients and Spike douchily whines that his food is meant for the common people and can’t be appreciated by the more educated palates of the judges. So….basically you just called yourself out on consistently making shitty food that only an ignorant and untrained person would find to be adequate. Great play, Shakespeare. Tom tells him it sucks, Spike responds with the ever classy, “In your opinion,” and Tom obliterates him with “Unfortunately for you, my opinion’s what matters.” Best. Top. Chef. Moment. Ever.

Lisa is pissy before they even start to grill her and refuses to offer a reason why she would be in the bottom three. She pulls the sabotage card out about the rice, and Tom sympathizes, but points out that her shrimp still sucked, which they never commented on at the tasting. Not that I mind, though, because she could use a few bitch smacks herself. At this point, just before the bottom three leave for deliberation, the shit hits the fan. Lisa throws Andrew under the bus and notes that he didn’t even follow the rules about the Core Four since he didn’t use a whole grain. Understandably, Andrew doesn’t respond too well to this.

Sam bitches some more about how he hates Spike, which redeems him a tad in my mind. The judges talk about how they hated Lisa’s food, but Andrew did technically break the rules. This entire time, the editors have interspersed an argument in the pantry between Andrew and Lisa. I hate to admit it, but Andrew is right - own up to your own fucking dish and leave everyone else out of it. Don’t throw other people under the bus and don’t make excuses for shitty food. A real chef would take responsibility for their mistakes.

Andrew is finally told to pack his knives and go, which should have happened weeks ago, and I actually yelled out of glee. Andrew interviews that he represented himself well on the show and that he won’t talk to anyone ever again…”except for Spike, Spike’s mad cool.” At this point, I wrote “Do the world a favor and kill yourself before you get a chance to breed. You are the definition of a tool, and if I ever met you in person, I’d punch you in the face.”

Next week - THE HOLE! Nameless and ethnically ambiguous woman tells the chefs they’re in the hole, which is presumably a restaurant’s line. Line cook = shitty job. Then Padma tells them that Restaurant Wars are back on, which is technically cheating. Screaming ensues, and I’m guessing from the preview that it’s Dale/Spike/Lisa versus Antonia/Steph/Blaise. Basically, shit versus perfection.